With the tower defeated we rested and left early the next morning.
“Which way shall we go home” asked Karl silently hoping we would say the quickest and go back through the Blasted Wastes.
“We’ve already done the Blasted Wastes, why don’t we go the other way and give them Minotaur’s a really good thumping” Said Rasmus whilst rubbing the back of Brian’s head.
“Sounds like a plan, and we may never get Karl back out of the Wastes he loved it there.” I say.
“You sure that’s the way you want to go, I’ve heard the Blasted Wastes are lovely this time of year” says Karl who has lost his Scottish accent and now has a West Somerset one.
“It was only a couple of days ago, so no we’ll go this way thank you very much” I tell him. We walk about 100 yards and a very obvious red light is blinking on Chronos my clockwork friend.
“Er should that light be blinking, Gandolt” asks Brian
“Of course, it’s a blinking light that’s what it does, if it did anything else I’d be worried.” I explain.
“But a red blinking light is that a good sign?” asks Hurl.
“When has a red blinking light never been a good sign? Tell me that”
“I think it has a button on it!” says an excited Karl.
“Don’t touch it” shouts Brian, a moment too late, but it’s the thought that counts. A flash of light goes off and Mr Goldman appears.
“Of course your supposed to touch it otherwise how would the homing beacon work” he says.
“Yeah!” I agree readily.
“You didn’t know what it did!!!” exclaims Rasmus.
“Did too” I say
“Then why did you let Karl press it and you didn’t, tell me that then” asks Rasmus.
“Yeah tell us” says a petulant Brian, who is going through an annoying phase of agreeing everything Rasmus says.
“You can see I am slung in a papoose, and I am a Homunculus, how I am supposed to reach that. Pick on the handicapped why don’t you!” I reply curtly.
“As fascinating as this is gentleman, I have another job for you.” Says Mr Goldman.
“That was quick, and we haven’t even been paid for the last one yet!” says Karl. Mr Goldman puts his hands in his pocket and produces five leather purses, and throws them to us. We all catch them except Karl, whose use of an eye patch means he has lost his depth perception and hit hits him squarely in the face.
“OW!!!”
“Sorry, your fifty gold each as promised”
“ We have this for you” I say “Karl can you pass Strens the crown, I can’t get to my backpack.” Karl retrieves the crown wrapped in the silk robe.
“Catch” he says but once again his lack of depth perception means he throws it short and it lands on the floor in front of Mr Goldman. The question is did he do that on purpose. Un-phased Mr Goldman bends down unwraps the crown and says.
“Nasty” and clicks his fingers and the crown melts.
“That, may have been valuable!!” cries Hurl.
“Now you tell me!! Only joking only a most horrible death could be found with that particular item, shall we crack on?” asks Mr Goldman.
“You haven’t explained what it is yet or what we are getting paid to do it, please enlighten us.” I say
“It is a small matter, the Orc Lord has heard one of the Orc Generals has amassed her army and is marching on the Dwarves and is attempting to bring about the end of this the thirteenth age. He wants you to kill the General, and thereby eliminating the threat. A small matter a mere trifle for heroes such as yourselves, in fact I don’t even know why I brought it to you. I maybe able to find a group of small children to carry out this task.”
Our mouths are agape, “This is suicide, kill an Orc General traveling in her army, a General who thinks they can end an age is not someone to tangle with.” I say
“I’ll do it” says Karl.
“Me too” says Hurl. “I haven’t been hired to kill someone for a while now.”
“Sounds like a caper.” Says Rasmus.
“If Rasmus is going so am I” says Brian.
“Only you then Gandolt, of course if you don’t think you are up to the task. I can find another mage to take your place”
“Let’s not be so hasty there, I never said I wouldn’t do it. I just meant that they wouldn’t be a push over. Nothing compared to my powers though, this should be a walk in the park,” I say.
“Good, glad that’s settled then. If you would all be so kind as to touch my staff” Karl and Hurl start sniggering. “Oh dear, look it is an actual staff, I didn’t mean…”
“We know what you didn’t mean, its just being around the King of Camp kinda makes you quick on a innuendo.” I explain. We all touch the staff and the world becomes smaller as we implode on one another and swirl around, we travel through a swirling vortex. I could have sworn I saw a blue box with the word “Police” written on it. We arrive by on the slope of a natural valley.
“So what’s the plan then.” Asks Karl.
“We could go for a full frontal assault” says Rasmus and for once Brian doesn’t announce his agreement.
“Sounds like a plan, let me at ‘em. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and we watch Karl running down the road with his axe in both hands over his head.
“Can’t fault his enthusiasm” I say.
“You certainly can’t. Shouldn’t one of you go and get him?” asks Mr Goldman.
“Is he heading in the right direction?” asks Hurl.
“Nope they are coming from the other way” says Mr Goldman.
“In that case he’ll come back when he is tired” says Rasmus. “What would you suggest Strens?” Mr Goldman looks at the disappearing figure of Karl and shakes his head.
“And you cleared out that tower, it makes the mind boggle” he says to no one in particular. “I would suggest heading off in that direction, telling the Halfling village of their possible impending doom”
“Let’s poison their water supply and set fire to their homes!!!” exclaims an excited Brian.
“You are supposed to be heroes and save them. You know heroes save the innocent and weak,” says an incredulous Mr Goldman.
“I am saving them, poisoning the water supply means they have no water to drink, so have to find somewhere else to live. And as an additional incentive to go we set fire to their homes so they have nowhere to live and nothing to stay for other than a poisoned well. And lets face it who would want that.” Explains Brian.
“If it helps, in a previous life he was called “Bastard Jack”” I tell Mr Goldman.
“Er no not really, and he is a Cleric?” Says Mr Goldman.
“Not a good one” offers Hurl
“A man of the people” continues Mr Goldman.
“Yup he likes people, he likes to make people dead and then incinerate them with his powers of light should they come back as undead.” Says Rasmus.
A huffing and puffing noise is growing in volume.
“Kill all the little halflings, what have I done, the General may spare them if the heroes don’t kill them first. What kind of people did I hire, they seemed so nice before.”
“To……huff, gasp, put …… gasp, it into, huff…… gasp…..perspective………we ….huff wouldn’t …….let him…….do…..huff, gasp that” says Karl bent over with his hands on his knees.
“Karl’s right we wouldn’t let him do that, we don’t even carry poison incase of such a situation.”
“That’s very reassuring, you don’t carry poison incase your Cleric wants to poison an entire village. A precautionary measure few would consider!!” says Mr Goldman flabbergasted.
“Just….. to make ……. Sure……. Brian…….was talking……..about………poisoning the well.” Gasps Karl.
“Yup, get your breath back mate, how far did you go?” I ask.
“Hang on” Karl breathes deeply and gets his composure back.
“These legs don’t look it, but they can’t half get a shuffty on. It was all down hill so I was really motoring when I realised, I hadn’t got a clue if I was going the right way or not. You were wise not to follow me,” explains Karl.
“Yes, well this is an insight into your working methods I didn’t actually need. I can see you have it all under control, I’ll just toddle off” POOF and Mr Goldman has gone.
We walk into the Halfling village,
“Morning, yes Morning, good Morning to you too Madam. Morning yes,good Morning. Morning to you too, Morning, it is a pleasant day isn’t it. I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCMENT, yes good Morning, AN ORC ARMY, Morning, ORC ARMY IS MARCHING THIS WAY AND A HORRIBLE DEATH AWAITS YOU ALL!!” Shouts Rasmus. The resulting panic, confusion and running about I think they got the message. Exasperated I go to the Inn for a drink, this place is great everything is the right size for me, even the ale comes in sensible sized cups, Brian joins me.
“He has caused mass panic and confusion” he tells me.
“No sugar coating there was there, straight to the point, good speech really” I say.
Some halflings enter the pub.
“Can’t what all the fuss is about if some Ducks, but that accent made it sound like Dorks, are coming to some harm. I personally like them with plum sauce.”
“Excuse me my friend, but I think you have the classic case of mishearing. What he said was not some Ducks are coming to some harm. He said with out an accent ORC ARMY” they hear this news process it for a few seconds and run about wildly one even amusingly into the wall knocking himself out.
“Priceless” says Brian. We hear screams.
“Can’t be you making them scream.” I pick up my flagon of ale and walk outside, joined by Brian who has hung chicken legs off the cross guard of his great sword. We arrive just in time to see a Halfling head rolling down the road, followed by what looks like ogres in red suits.
“Don’t see that everyday.” Says Brian. We watch Rasmus run at them followed by Karl and Hurl.
“You don’t do you, do you think he’s got this” I ask
“I reckon so” says Brian.
“They look quite nasty, I’m going to help.” And I cast ray of frost, it doesn’t do much but is does state our intention. These demon-possessed ogres are no walk in the park. Two close on Rasmus, one on Hurl another one on Karl and two attack Brian. The battle is swinging from one side to the other when Rasmus drops, and one appears behind me and stabs me in the back with a flaming spear setting me on fire. I cast Force Salvo at five of them but not the one behind me, they roar but carry on fighting, Brian has cast some magic as Rasmus is back on his feet, but is quickly put down again. I turn to the one attempting to strike me and say, “Listen here you, I haven’t attacked you, in general I am ignoring you, but if you make me spill this I will be most displeased” This seems to have the opposite effect and infuriate him even more. Karl drops his and closes in on the two who just dropped Rasmus again. The one behind me swings and misses.
“Right, I’ve had just about enough of this. You will go down in song as the sorry creature that couldn’t put a wizard down, who was ignoring you. Have another go” he does and hits me with a spear setting me on fire once more, I cast Fireball and kill three of them instantly, leaving the one behind me and one fighting Karl and the downed Rasmus. Hurl comes to my aid and strikes the one behind me and for a change Hurl doesn’t run off after he hit him, he remained there by my side. I cast Crescendo blowing the orge back and killing him at the same time. Karl kills the last one.
This unexpected encounter has helped to make the halflings minds up to leave.
We wave them goodbye and I test out one of the beds, it is so nice to go somewhere where everything is the right size.
In the morning we head off in search of the army, Rasmus notices some smoke riding high into the sky, it is such a long way off we have miles to go. We approach a bridge and Karl says.
“That’s a dwarven bridge, and the only one round for miles the army will have to come this way to get through.”
“We could blow up the bridge when the general is on it” says Brian.
“No we couldn’t, A we don’t have any explosives, B half of the army would be on the same side as us and I don’t think we can fight half an army.” I say
“Better than a whole army” cries Brian.
“Marginally” says Karl
“How many can fit over the bridge at one time Rasmus” I ask. He wlks half way to where it is narrowest and says,
“Two” just as a large troll appears.
“Get off my bridge, if you want to use my bridge you have to pay a toll”
“It’s not your bridge” says Karl, “It is a dwarven bridge”
“That’s as maybe but it mine now” replies the troll.
“It may interest you to know an orc army is heading this way to use this very bridge.” Says Rasmus.
“I know. They’ve already paid me in Goat no less. Now you can turn round and go back or you can pay to cross,” Rasmus returns. We enter into a huddle, and Brian comes back from behind a tree, and walks out onto the bridge and the troll re-appears.
“You may like to know an orc army is heading this way” says Brian.
“I know, your friend already told me and I also know as the orc army have already paid me. Pay up or piss off” says the Troll a little aggravated at having to cover the same ground again.
“Sorry I missed that bit” says Brian. He returns to us.
“Happy now Brian,” says Hurl.
“Sorry I didn’t know” replies Brian.
“We’ll put that on your gravestone, which if you carry on like this you will be here sooner rather than later” I tell him.
“Do we have a plan?” asks Karl.
“Not yet” says Rasmus.
“Okay, how about…” and Karl runs at the troll with his axe over his head.
“He seems to be enjoying this tactic” says Hurl. The troll swipes twice at Karl wounding him with one hit but the other misses, but Karl misses the troll due to the wind being knocked out of him. Hurl leaps in hits the toll and makes space for Rasmus, a whole load of kobolds appear on the other side of the bridge and fire arrows from short bows at us. I return fire with magic missile, I hit but do very little damage. Rasmus and Karl put the troll down quickly and engage the kobolds.
The battle is short and swift.
The bridge is now troll free and we still don’t have a plan.
To be continued.
