TOPIC: Tyranny of Dragons: Continues Rot 3 2020

Nicely done Inept, really enjoyed the read mate

I got your email, I'll dig out the speech for you.

Did you forget about the head in the road...?

I have to leave something for Baney, or he just makes things up....

(ok so he does that anyway! and yes completely forgot!)

I apologise, I have written an epic.

Where is it, don't leave us all on tenter hooks!

The boat docked at bay C5, and the passengers set about taking their goods and horses off
.
Bulder’s Gate although not the largest could certainly call itself one of the busiest cities in the world. Ships and road goods arrive in the North and South, where they are unloaded and portaged through the city. The city is too narrow and too treacherous for wagons to traverse and this accident of geography and city planning has created wealth for the common man, and an economy no one actual understands. It is here where we meet up with Issy, Jebado, Maria, Flint and Elias again, oh and of course Dave.

Dave watched his rag tag bunch, they were becoming complacent as the events of a couple of nights ago proved. They had been moored on a grassy bank and not noticed the oncoming attackers, if Dave hadn’t made a noise and roused them where would they be now. Dead probably and he could be back at his worm farm, damn!

Dave looked at his uprights, halfrights and lowrights and sighed inwardly. He hadn’t asked for any of this, if only he hadn’t taken an interest in that dying upright and his small upright offspring. Dave took off and scanned this new marvel of upright construction. The things they came up with, really.

Spires reaching high into the sky, low town as they called it was at the bottom hence low town and high town (how imaginative) was at the top in the North of the city. The smells ranged from rich and savoury, to sweet and aromatic, and in the far end of the spectrum the pungent smell of rancid filth.

The buildings were just as varied, amongst tall spires of glittering wealth were small one level hovels. The plan of the city was done by a madman, no concept of grouping or aesthetics, streets meandered this way and that, with intersections randomly placed, large thoroughfares crossed a street and turned into small alleys only to open out again later on.

And through it all were the uprights, the ones they call humans were the most common but all races (other than orcs, of course) were represented in large numbers. Peddling their particular wares, Dwarves with “rat on a stick” with plenty of Ketchup. Eleven Lembas bread, Gnomish sweets, human curries and everything in between, it is not uncommon to see a Dwarf with a rat (and an indecent smothering of Ketchup) between two pieces of Lembas bread.

“It’s this way”

“You sure Issy” asked Maria

“Course I’m sure, I grew up here, where’s Jebado gone now”

Jebado was enthralled, he had never seen a place so large. Everything was intriguing and needed investigation. He felt like his head was going to explode, he had so many questions. Pots and pans were self-explanatory but they had little towers on them, what were they for? The food stalls sold stuff he’d never seen before, the smells were wonderful and abhorrent at the same time but all needed investigation. Jewellery, fashion, armour, ingredients, ale there was so much of everything and so much you thought you knew only to find here there was even more. The denizens were colourful and also worthy of his attention, so many races, faces, ages it was all …….. Too much!!

Jebado had to start somewhere, and at the entrance of an alley, he saw a badly dressed human talking to a well-dressed elf. The discussion seemed based about a small knife the human was brandishing around. As far as Jebado could tell it had very little value or quality, but Jebado would be the first to admit he was no expert on such things. With his curiosity piqued Jebado wandered over.

“Excuse me my fine person, please can you tell me what transaction is going here”

The human looked round “Who me?” he asked

“Yes, it seems so intriguing, the knife as far as I can tell has little value” continued Jebado.

“You what?” said the human taking in the finery of Jebado’s clothes and the rather nice pocket watch on its gold chain.

“I was merely curious as, the situation seems a little strange, here a dandy Elven gentleman in his resplendent finery seems to be bargaining with you over this trifle” Jebado offered in way of explanation.

“I ain’t got no trifle. I ain’t seen a trifle since my ninth birthday, and then it didn’t have proper custard, but it was the best me mam could do. When you’s a kid you don’t worry about such things, but I do like a trifle with real custard, distant memory now of course, tarnished by that one on me ninth but….”

“If I may interject” said the elf.

“Drugs are bad for your elf, hehhee get it” said the man.

“Very witty” said the elf rolling his eyes “No Interject as in interrupt, as I think I know what our small friend here is asking”

“Go on then” said the human

“I take it you are from the southern gnomish villages”

“I am” said Jebado

“And this is your first time in such a large city”

“It is, but the structure and architecture……”

“One thing at a time young Gnome. What is happening here is called a mugging.”

“A mugging? I can’t see any drinks.” Said Jebado

“If you let me continue” said the elf “A mugging is where this gentleman”

“I thank you” said the man taking a small bow

“Wishes me to pay him, or hand over the wealth secreted about my personage. In exchange of not placing that knife into my corporeal being many times”

Meanwhile………

“JEBADO!” shouted Issy, Flint and Elias were back tracking their route and Issy and Maria were looking round the market.

“Where has he got to” asked Issy

Meanwhile on a roof spire Dave looked down.

How on earth can they not see him? He’s right there. Hmm things might not be going Jebado’s way, that human upright looks a bit of a ruffian. Right time for action. Dave concentrated and opened his eyes. The smells although muted through the primitive nose of Maria’s still sung like a beautiful choir tantalising his taste buds. The people parted round her and Dave stomped over to the alley way.

“……………In exchange of not placing that knife into my corporeal being many times” said the Elf.

Dave concentrated. “There you are Jebado, come along now, let’s leave these good people to it”

“Aw, I’ve never seen a mugging before” complained Jebado, and to be fair Dave wasn’t sure what one was either, so upon further consideration he thought this may be worth a wait.

“Well, hello m’ lady” said the human upright

“Hello” said Maria/Dave “You going to get on with it?”

“Well aren’t you the impatient one” said the man in a creepy kind of attempt at an alluring voice.

Dave had a nagging doubt in the back of his mind about this mugging thing, coupled with the human hitting on Maria, Dave decided this could only mean trouble. Unsure of how to handle this situation, Dave took the one course of action open to him.

Dave was looking back down on the scene safe from the spire he was perched on. Maria seemed to get agitated, way up here Dave could not make out her voice but he was sure she was shouting. Then she pointed and the Human and Elf uprights both looked at her finger, deftly Maria raised her foot and the human upright doubled over, and then keeled over on to the floor. Dave was sure he saw the human mouth “mommy”, Maria grabbed Jebado like a mother leading her child away. The Elf stood there for a moment, then the situation caught up with him and he moved off, only to stop and turn round a moment later. Returning to the human upright who was still writhing on the floor with his hands between his legs. The elf upright bent over and removed a black purse, which he threw casually in the air and placed in his pocket, then he went through the humans other pockets and finally picked up the knife, before leaving the scene.

Jebado, was with Maria when Issy, Flint and Elias turned up.

“Thank the Gods” said Issy

“This place STINKS!!” said Maria. “It’s a real cess pool”

“Right If we could just, ALL, move on this way” said Issy and they all followed her with everyone paying closer attention to Jebado’s whereabouts. Soon they arrived at the destination Unthar had sent them to.

“Can’t help you too much other than my name carry’s great weight in these parts, use it whenever you need, I can recommend the Cock Well Inn just down the road, and you may find the people you need to hire you for your mission there too.”

Entering the Cock Well Inn in the heroes discovered how much weight the merchant’s name carried

“Who?” asked the bar keeper.

Having secured rooms for the night the Band of Dave settled in. During the next day whilst out perusing the sights of the city they were sure they saw some of the cultists they saw in the camp.

Seeing the cultists from the camp, they realised they needed disguises so they would not be recognised. Traveling through the city, Issy kept saying, “Not much further. I am sure it was here, no hang on” and such like. When she finally stopped. “Ta DA!” everybody looked round. A house, a merchants and a fruit stall.

“Amazing, we only passed hundreds of these.” Said Flint, “I thought we were going to get disguises”

“And we are” said Issy, opening her arms in front of the house. “This place is the best place to buy a disguise”

“What this house?” asked Elias.

“It’s not a house, it’s a shop. It’s in disguise. What better advertising can you get than a place that is in disguise to buy a disguise” said Issy excitedly.

“There is logic there, I can sense it. I don’t understand it but it is there” said Jebado.

They entered.

There were many outfits, makeup sets, clothes.

“How can I help” said a chair, and a man unfolded.

“Ingenious” said Jebado.

“We need some disguises, something simple that requires minimal effort” said Issy.

“I see, let me take a look at you individually”

“Ah! Master Dwarf, if you rub your hair and beard with this soot you will go from Red to black and no one would recognise you”

“Marvelous! Look I am someone else”

“Two gold I thank you”

“Now you, young bard, let me look at you. You play the lute, can you play the lyre?” Issy nodded “Then here swap this for this, wear your hair like this, and pop this makeup on, there” Everyone agreed she looked different.

“Two gold, I thank you”

“Let me look at you, Mr Gnome. Try this flat cap instead of that pointy hat, I see, yes, you are a wizard, yes, yes. But would you not still be a wizard only not in pointy hat, you suppose. Well that hat and if you could put this facial hair on and ……. Your done” a round of applause. “Your too kind. That’s two gold. “

The shopkeeper turned his attention to Maria. “Hmmm, you look like a hedge has been passed through you backwards. I see, you certainly pass as wild looking. No I meant that as a compliment, you certainly pull the effect you are after well. This will be hard. Er. Right go in there and put this on, and these, and this and use this, its brush you pass it through your hair. Really.” Issy went behind a curtain and came back out five minutes later looking like a female. Jaws dropped and mouths were left gaping. “My finest work yet!” exclaimed the shopkeeper wiping a tear from his eye. “That will be, how did you guess. I thank you”.

“And that only leaves your Mr Half Elf, who appears to be in a disguise already of a really tall dwarf. Let me look at you, hmmmm, ah” and the shopkeeper snapped his fingers. He went to a drawer and retrieved some scissors, “sit here and” SNIP “there” Elias looked in the mirror and the shopkeeper had cut his beard off. It had only taken him all his life to grow that six inches. Weeping and holding his beard Elias stowed it in his backpack. “Even your own mother couldn’t tell, and that will be…”

“Two gold, yes it’s there in my hand….. It is there just in disguise” said Elias.

That night they were confident that the cultists were also renting rooms at The Cockwell Inn. Issy decided to give them a rousing song, against the advice of her fellow companions, so she played to her audience. Striking chords on her lyre she broke out into song:

“Come home tired, what a day I've had
News ain't good from Greendale
I've been busy protecting our stash at the base
So come on baby, defecate on my face

So, come on baby, send it on down
Bend over Tiamat and gimme your brown
There's trouble brewing in the Dragon Pact
So hurry up Tiamat and move your digestive tract

Defecate on my face, defecate on my face
Defecate on my face, defecate on my face
Defecate on my face, defecate on my face
Defecate on my face, defecate on my face

Get to the Horde, looks like a stye
Listen to the bards, it's all one big lie
Here, Tiamat, have these prunes to chew
We have ways of making you poo.
So, come on baby, send it on down
Bend over Tiamat and gimme your brown

There's trouble brewing in the Dragon Pact
So hurry up Tiamat and move your digestive tract
Yesterday my troubles seemed so far away
Yesterday my troubles seemed so far away
Yesterday yesterday yesterday........

Here come the elves, it's near the end
Proud to say that my girl never used an S-bend.
What's that, Tiamat? Your bowel has gone down?
Then it's all over for your Dragon Crown.
So, come on baby, send it on down
Bend over Taimat and gimme your brown

There's trouble brewing in the Dargon Pact
So hurry up Tiamat and move your digestive tract

Defecate on my face, defecate on my face
Defecate on my face, defecate on my face
Defecate on my face, defecate on my face
Defecate on my face, defecate on my face” (Credit to TISM - Defecate on My Face)

“I think that may have gotten their attention Issy” said Elias pulling at his collar. “Were you aiming for amusingly offensive?”

“Yeah somewhere between offensive and comedy, but leaning more towards offensive” said Issy to raucous applause.

“You nailed it then” said Flint

“I think those merchants may be hiring, hic!” said Maria drunkenly

“You drunk Maria?” asked Flint

“Hmm, mm, mm you bet yah hun!”

“Maria!” exclaimed Flint

“Get a room” said Issy

“Aw, come back Flint” said Maria and Elias beat a hasty retreat before she could set on him.

Flint went to talk to the merchants and came back, “I’m in. Personal bodyguard no less”

“Well done” said Jebado who went over and came back “Standard guard” he said glumly
.
Issy went over, he laughed and applauded her she came back “Personal guard too” she said happily.

Elias went over and came back “Sergeant no less. What’s a Sergeant Flint” and Flint explained it all to him.

“Hic! A fink Ahd betterrrrr get intervieweeed” said Issy and half fell half stumbled towards the merchant.

Just at that moment Dave thought he’d better check in with his troops.

“And what is it you do” asked the merchant

“Caw” said Maria/Dave

“Sorry”

“No quite understanding the context of the question” said Maria/Dave, totally unaware of what was going on.

“You came over and asked me for a job as a guard, I asked what it is you do, perfectly reasonable context if you ask me” said the merchant putting his quill down. Dave had never experienced perspiration before, but he was now. The quill rapidly became the centre of Dave’s world, staring at the quill Dave continued

“Er, I mean I am a stout person and very reliable. I like guarding as it covers my favourite things of not doing a lot and beating things up”
“I see” said the merchant picking his quill up and writing on the paper in front of him. Dave perspired even more, why was he writing, was this a test. Dave being a Crow had never sat an exam or test before and felt sure this one was going badly. There is a point where perspiration turns into sweat and that point was right about now. Dave’s whole world now centred on the scratching of the quill.

“Now are you a big drinker, because this is guarding the beer wagons for the journey, and I need people who don’t really touch the stuff otherwise all my profits evaporate if you get my meaning”

“Never touch it, look I can touch my beak, I mean nose with my hand” said Dave looking nervously at the quill, and sure enough it started to scratch the paper. Dave craned Maria’s neck, then realised what was the point he couldn’t read. Oh Gods, thought Dave what if reading and writing were part of the test. Desperately Dave tried to return to his body, but Maria’s drunkenness was thwarting his attempt, which only added to the pressure Dave was experiencing.

“Well the way you have been behaving I was unsure if you were soused” the merchant replied.

“Er, All an act just to get people of guard” Dave replied quickly, and the quill moved. What could he possibly be writing thought Dave.

“I see, well you don’t seem drunk and you are very coherent all though you do smell like brewery”

“Thank you sir, it is what I was aiming for” said Dave. The quill moved over the paper again scratching its surface. A bead of sweat bobbled down Maria’s forehead onto her eyebrow, where it hung for what felt like an eternity, before forming a drip which landed on her nose.

“You’re in standard guard” Dave turned Maria’s body round and walked back. He passed his first test. Dave felt really proud of himself, and then he felt the wet clamminess of Maria’s clothing.

“What did he say” asked Flint expecting the worst.

“I’m in”

“Really, wow” exclaimed Flint, not able to cover his surprise.

Dave was not enjoying this at all, and the clothes sticking to him just finished the unpleasantness of the whole experience, thinking it best to get out of there Dave concentrated hard and went back to his own body.

“Right, I need to get a few things” said Flint and left the Inn. Flint went back to the merchant whose name carried much weight in his own shop.

“Any chance you can get equipment for a portable forge” asked Flint.

“It’s all here Master Dwarf” chuckled the shopkeeper and swept his hand theatrically.

Cue Montage……

In the distance but getting louder the theme from Flashdance

Pan to Flint, ploughing the bellows with both arms.

Zoom to bead of sweat running down his face and catching in his beard.

Pan to a generic workshop with metal embers flying around

Cut to

Flint removing his shirt to reveal abs so hard bullets would bounce off and glistening in the light.

Zoom out as Flint bends a bar over his head showing all his muscles

Zoom and End with Flint pouring a flagon of Blackflap over his head, and music fade.

The caravan set off in the morning the Band of Dave all turned up and Maria nursed a mighty fine hangover.

During the first few days nothing of note happened. Then on day six two black spots were spotted high in the sky, something about them seemed odd and their flight was not that of a bird , birds flitter catching thermals and rising high only to dive down, no these came towards the caravan at speed. It wasn’t until they were a couple of hundred feet away they noticed they were winged beasts with the heads of stags. They swooped past the caravan and then turned, it was at this moment that Flint shot his bolt (from his crossbow) and Jebado let loose his magic burning them.

For some unfathomable reason Maria decided to wait until one had attacked her then cast a vine whip pulling it even closer to her “Get over here” shouted Maria, Elias shot at it striking it. Issy gave it a suggestion it should flyaway, which the creature wanted to do, but Maria was in a bloodlust and would not let it go, holding it ever tighter and closer. The other monster attacked but missed Flint and received arrows and a spell for its trouble before Issy suggested that one flew home as well. Turning it took a direct flight away from our heroes.

“If you let it go it will fly away, Maria” shouted Issy

“If you think I’m not killing this, then you’d better think again” bellowed Maria. The rest of the party rolled their eyes and aided her. Dave shook his head, Maria seemed to back to her old ways, and was very much leading this fight with her face. Turning into a bear Maria mauled the beast ripping it apart, killing it outright.

Once it was dead and Jebado had finished studying it and drawing it, Maria set fire to it just be sure.

Then it was back to boredom city.

Eighteen days passed with only that one incident of note. The sun was beating down on a particularly fine day, when someone shouted out “Hey look at that stag, its beautiful.” Indeed it was with a coat of platinum and gold, shimmering like an iridescent jewel in the sunlight.

“The pelt will fetch a mighty fine penny or two” shouted another.

“Do not attack it otherwise bad things will happen and your children’s eyes will fall out” warned Issy but no one paid her any heed.

The hunting party made entirely of the other members of the caravan set off followed by Maria, who was trying to stop them.

Dave watched this with much interest. Maria was shouting such things as “Stop”, “It means us no harm” to which the reply “We meant it some harm” came quickly. Maria was getting angrier and angrier and Dave thought he was going to have to take over to stop her hurting the hunting party when suddenly Elias appeared and shouted

“This way”, “It’s this way, your letting it get away”, “C’mon fatty get those legs moving” and other such things. All the while leading them further and further away from the stag.

When it became apparent that they would not catch it the hunting party turned back, and Maria moved over to Elias. “Thank you” she said “but why did you help, you didn’t seem bothered when it first appeared”.

“It spoke to me, and asked for my help. How could I refuse” replied Elias

“It spoke to me too” said Maria. Dave watched this moment with great interest from his vantage point in a tree.

“Er yeah” said Elias realising they had just shared a moment and was feeling awkward, “look at that an old disused fort. C’mon lets have a look” and they moved off.

Inside the crumbling façade, walls that had repelled legions of demons many thousands of years before, in a battle now forgotten other than a proverb that has survived. “Hjutyd vbnaostut ghakii, kkekekak, biietettt” this language now so dead that scholars have forgotten about it but the proverb kept alive and translates into common as “The Devil take the hindmost”.

Inside the fort was the stag, it bowed to them and looked at them for a moment when Dave, Maria, Elias and Narrator all noticed a finely made bow lying on the ground.

“Well I’ll be the son of a disembodied gun” said Narrator

“Cor”,

“I beg your pardon”

“I said ‘Cor’”

“Isn’t it ‘Caw’?” the Narrator was slightly confused

“Nope ‘Cor’ it is! As in ‘Cor Blimey that’s a big worm’”, Dave chuckled… that would teach the Nar Ator thing not to wind him up with words he didn’t understand!

“OoooKayyy. Just one thing, how did you manage to create the bow?

“What? I thought you did that?” Dave sounded confused

“So if you didn’t do, and I didn’t do it, then that leaves… that DM creature?”

“Probably, there isn’t anything in the notes about it, guess it’s one of those anomalies.”

“Whats an ano-mal –ley?” asked Dave.

Maria and Elias headed back to the caravan, and in a quiet moment told the others about their experience.

“Just like that” said Flint.

“Just like that Bro” replied Elias.

“Let me look at that” said Jebado holding his hand out for the bow.

“Hum a neh, Hum a neh, Hum a neh” after about an hour of chanting Jebado returned the bow,”it’s magical” he said. “About the weakest you can get but much better than what we have”. Maria started to feel that things were finally going her way.

Continuing on, the boredom of guarding really started to set in.

“Travel Scrabble anyone?” followed by a chorus of “No”

“Travel Yahtzee?” followed by a chorus of “No”

“Boggle, everybody likes Boggle” followed by a chorus of “No”

“God I’m bored” said Issy.

“Wait what’s that in the road?” asked Flint pointing. The caravan came to a halt. Our heroes moved forward slowly.

“It’s a head”

“I can see it, it’s in front of us Elias” said Flint

“No I mean it’s a head as in normally on top of your shoulders and the place where you wear your hat. Not ahead of us Flint”

“Ah my bad” said Flint.

“It’s a trap” said Maria.

“How so, please elucidate” said Jebado

“The old bury a body in the road trick, so a caravan stops to investigate and gets attacked by bandits from the cover of the trees” everybody looked around.

It was indeed a road, as in, it has stones in the ground to make it easier to travel when it rained, but this part of the road was on an open plain. As far as they eye could see was low level grass. Indeed any party of bandits that could disappear in such terrain would be a group to fear. Even Dave was perched on one of the caravans, the cultists had taken a shining to him and saw the crow as a portent of good luck. This suited Dave as he like the Lembas bread and there was nothing for miles and it saved him being on the wing all of the time.

“Yes right, a point well-made Maria. One we should consider, now we have considered it I think it best to investigate” said Flint. They moved closer to the head and words were written in blood or red paint was on his forehead.

“Oat Breaker” said Issy aloud.

“Oat Breaker, what an unusual message” said Elias

“Oat Breaker, Oat Breaker, don’t get it” said Maria

“What would an Oat Breaker do? What would be the point of breaking Oats? And more on topic why would he need burying for doing it?” said Flint, a general consensus of points well made. Jebado sighed loudly.

“It says Oath Breaker. The H has rubbed off slightly but you can still make it out”

“Ahh, yes, I see it now” and other such exclamations of enlightenment.

“Is he alive” asked Issy. Maria went over to examine the head. Behind hands the words of “Not for much longer once she gets there” uttered through the air, Maria ignored the comment.

He is still alive but in a bad way, Flint went to dig him out but Issy stopped him “Let’s find out what he did first” Doing enough to bring the head round so it was lucid Issy questioned

“You feel compelled to tell us what you did to end up here”

“No, No, NO!, NO” the head shouted

“Compelled” stated Issy

“I was to marry a girl, but I found her brothers were part of the evil cult, the Cult of the Dragon. I tried to escape, to warn my brethren in the Harpers, but her brothers found me and assumed I’d run away instead of marrying my love. They did this to me, and you have cultists with you too, I see them.”

“Sshh, not so loud.” Said Issy, sure that nearly everbody had heard what he said, Issy said loudly.

“This poor man is delusional from his treatment, he know not what he says”.

The caravan moved on, whilst Issy, Elias and Maria set about digging the man out. He was dressed only in a loin cloth and Issy taking pity on her fellow Harper, gave him a disguise she was keeping to wear.

“When we get to Waterdeep, I shall make sure you are well rewarded” said the man.

“No need, I would do the same for any fellow Harper” replied Issy

“You speak for yourself” said Maria “How much gold?”

To be continued…………………………

I see you used a little artistic license in some of the names you used...

Enjoyed the read, as always made me chuckle. Thanks for taking the time to write it up mate

You know the reward (and yes, they do stack with the reward given for wearing the the Dave t-shirt!)