Scribbling’s of a surprisingly literate goblin
Things looking up for Stinkdrip goblins! Two sleeps ago, while minding own business, group of stupid humans wandered into lair! Some were armed with bitey mansteel, but few enough that my brothers and I soon overpowered them and took them prisoner! Nob the ogre and his attractive mate put captives onto high shelves in our larder. Me had to have stern words with Nob when he tried to eat one of the human younglings without Chief Hark’s permission. Me think Nob try to eat me!!! But Nob went off to soak in bubbling mud bath and sulk instead.
Me looking forward to prosperous future for Stinkdrip goblins, but things take a turn for the not-up! Group of heroes come looking for the stupid humans we captured! Me hide behind rock and watch helplessly as heroes slay Nob and his mate. Such a pointless waste of fine ogre flesh! Me continue to watch from hiding place, gather important intelligence for Chief Hark! Yes, that is excuse me will give for not fighting and dying with brothers!
The human wizard with glowing purple eyes ran out of cave, followed by the half-orc druid and the human female in impractical clothes. Dress not suitable attire for dungeon-crawling, even goblins know this! The human barbarian dragged dead ogres out of cave and started piling stones on top of the bodies. Me not impressed by wasteful human burial rites, goblin way to eat dead! Nob’s skull would make Chief Hark a fine hat!
Last two heroes continue exploring lair alone. First is ugly by goblin standards, his chiselled jaw displeasing to goblin sensibilities! He wears suit of shiny mansteel and wields biggest blade me have ever seen! Much too big to use in narrow goblin tunnels, me hopes he gets stuck! The other hero is ranger-type with shooty stick and quiver of flying-stabby-sticks! Me wonders how me know word for ‘quiver’ but not ‘arrows’? Is great goblin mystery!
Heroes head off down tunnels that leads to Chief Hark’s private sanctum! Good choice idiot heroes! Chief Hark will certainly kill them quickityquick and me can skin their bodies to make new boots! Me hear much shouting and clashing of weapons! Someone returning! Me about to emerge and congratulate Chief Hark on victory when me realise it not Chief Hark! It human ranger-type wearing Chief Hark’s special hat of office! Second hero also alive, with scantily-clad human female clinging to him like fungi on wet rock! Have heroes killed Chief Hark – killed all other goblins in lair? Wait! Does that make me new chief of Stinkdrip goblins? Me like sound of that! Chief Narr Ator! Has nice ring to it!
Heroes leave lair, but not gone for long! They come back inside and continue poking around. Me benevolently allow them to explore. Me secretly hope them blunder into territory of hungry blob monster and get eaten. Heroes seem to sense danger and do not antagonise blob, me sad but get over it! Me still have plenty of tasty humans to eat, all to myself! Me entertain self wondering which human me will eat first! The dwarf looked tough and gamey and me not want beard hair stuck in teeth. Maybe me will feed dwarf to hungry blob monster.
No! Heroes find goblin larder! Roll big rock over bat-hole! Rescue human morsels from high shelves! Me not get too eat anyone, not even horrible dwarf with nasty beard! Heroes lead humans back towards human village! Me left all alone. Me sad. Hungry blob monster sense my sadness and emerge to console me in its acidic embrace! Me accept death willingly, having served narrative purpose in week without write-up!
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